Saturday, February 5, 2011

Oliver's Hospital Visit.

This past week was quite eventful for our family.  Besides the snow storm that we had, and seem to still be having, we had our first trip to the emergency room with Oliver which ended up with him being admitted to the pediatric unit of Lutheran Hospital.

::sigh:: The joys of having children, right?!  I've never experienced anything like taking my child into the hospital and having him poked, prodded and examined while I had to sit by and do nothing.  The only thing I can compare it to was when Oliver had his casts on as an infant, but doesnt make it any easier.

Saturday night/Sunday morning Oliver woke up around 1:00 a.m. crying.  He just cried and cried and we didnt know what was wrong.  Nothing seemed to be wrong at that point, so we just stayed with him by his bed until he fell asleep. (By the way, I promise to someday update about his sleeping situation.  He's still in his own bed, in his own room, but we're still working through the nighttime wakings.)

Fast forward 3 hours and I heard him crying again.  As soon as I got to his room it hit me.  The smell.  The horrid, rancid smell of sour milk.  ::gag::  He had thrown up all over himself, his bed, his stuffed Puppy. Ohh the smell.  I called for Jay and we got him cleaned up and stripped his bed.  I brought him into bed with us and it wasnt five minutes later he started throwing up again.  We stripped our bed, because we weren't talking a little bit of vomit here.  We're talking LOTS of it.  At least by this point the milk he had drank earlier was out of his system! So we remade our bed...and he threw up again.  Repeat: strip bed, remake it, puke again.  We went through the three sets of sheets we have and ended up just putting down blankets for us to sleep on.  Oh, the poor baby.  It was awful!!  At one point I was wiping off his face and wiped out his mouth and he said the sweetest, saddest, "Thank you".  My sweet, sweet boy.

Finally he fell asleep, and I did too, around 6:30 or so.  I had already text Cindy from church to let her know  I wouldnt be there to help with the toddler room.  I think Oliver woke up around 8:30 or so the next morning.  We tried to get him to drink some water, but he still kept throwing up.  I gave him a bath around 11:00, and he just sat there.  The rambunctious, crazy little boy who loves playing in the bath just sat and stared.  It broke my heart. 

Thankfully, my friend Amber brought us some pedialyte, crackers, and popsicles (da da doos as Oliver calls them!) after church got out so we didnt have to go to the store.  What a blessing that was.  She truly loves our little guy as much as we love her son Brady. (Oliver's best buddy.) 

Oliver continued to throw up the rest of the day.  He took a long nap that afternoon and he slept with us again that night.  His temp was 100.5.

The next morning, he was able to keep some fluids down so I thought he was on the mend, even though he slept til 11:00 a.m.  He kept wanting to go upstairs and when I would bring him up, he would walk into the bathroom and point to the tub.  Again, he just sat in the bath tub and stared.  As soon as I got him out of the bath, I wrapped him in a towel and he fell right to sleep.  I was shocked by that, since he has never been the type to fall asleep just anywhere.

He slept until 1:15, then woke up and was able to drink a bit more and eat part of a banana.  I took his temp and it was 99.5.  he stayed awake for about an hour and a half, then again wanted to go upstairs and take a bath.  We ended up taking 4 baths that day, as that is all he wanted to do.  After each one he fell right to sleep.  I couldnt keep him awake for anything.

My poor baby.

As the day wore on, he seemed to be getting worse.  He threw up the banana, and started throwing up the liquids again.  He couldnt walk without stumbling and just wanted to be held.  He didnt play or get down from my lap at all.

Jay had left to go to the store around 5:30 or so, and I started to really worry about Oliver.  I text Jay and said when he got home I was going to call the on-call dr.  I should have called earlier, but I've never dealt with anything like this.

So when Jay got home, we took his temp (101.5) and I called the dr.  He asked several questions (What's his temp? 101.5.  How many wet diapes has he had? 1. Are his lips dry? Very, and cracked. Etc, etc, etc.)  The dr said we had better bring him in to get checked for dehydration.

So we headed to Lutheran.  This was about 8:30, and the roads were already getting nasty.  It seemed to take forever to get there.  Once we got there, we checked in, and Oliver just laid on my lap.  Usually, a waiting room would be tough with him as he would just want to get down and run.  Not that night. Not at all.

We finally got called back and they got all our information.  They took his temp, and after what seemed like forever, they took some blood.  That was AWFUL!  It made me sick to my stomach to watch them do that to him.  I knew they were going to make him better, but it was still so, so hard. :(

After they took his blood, they said they hadnt gotten enough (grrrr) so they put the IV line in and drew some from there.  They gave him some saline fluids and Oliver slept through a lot of that.  again, the fact that he stayed up on the bed without us even laying with him or anything amazed me.

The IV seemed to take FOREVER.  It was awful because he was so thirsty, and kept asking for a drink over and over and over and they wouldnt let him have anything until they tested his levels again.  They wanted us to keep him calmed down, but until he got a drink, that was impossible.  They also gave him some zofran, for nausea.  After the IV was done, they finally let him have some apple juice and Sprite.  Unforunately, he drank it so fast that he threw it right back up.  After the IV was done he also started having nasty diapers.  Poor baby :(

They ran more blood tests and the dr came in to tell us that they were going to have to admit him.  He said the level they look at needs to be 18 or higher; if its 17 or lower they admit.  Olivers was 13, which they said was pretty low.  This was probably around 2:00 a.m. I was exhausted, and Jay had to go to work the next day.

Jay left and got me something to eat (I hadnt eaten all day) and called his dad to see if he could pick him up so that I could have the car in case they released us while he was at work.  He left around 2:30.  My father-in-law came back to the hospital with a bag of clothes for me and my phone charger. He got a chance to kiss on Oliver a bit, but Oliver wasnt up for talking or anything. It was so good to see a familiar face though. :)

Around 3:45 they took us up to Pediatrics.  I rode in a wheelchair with Oliver on my lap.  he was awake for that, and thought that was neat.  They had started another, slower IV with some sugars and potassium in it as well.  I had to smile at the irony of holding him in a wheelchair.  The last time I did that, we were leaving the same hospital to bring him home after he was born.

We got upstairs and they got us settled.  Asked us a bunch of questions again, and helped get us settled.  I was so impressed with them.  A children's hospital is a great place to be if your child is sick.  They really know how to deal with the little ones, and go out of their way for them.  We pretty much live right between a local hospital (Huntington Parkview) and Lutheran Hospital.  Personally, I can't imagine going to Huntington when Lutheran is so much better equipped and not far away at all.

One thing they did which I found exceptional was that they took the crib out of the room and brought in an adult bed so that I could sleep with him.  They could tell that he didnt want to let me go, and they wanted me to be able to get some sleep as well.  I honestly expected them to frown upon the thought of me sleeping in the same bed with him, but they welcomed it.  Thank goodness!!

So we finally got to bed around 4:30.  Not long after they came back in to take his temp.  They told me what it was, but I can't remember what it was.  About 7:30 they came back in to check him again, and the dr on call from the night before came in to check on us as well as Oliver's pediatrician Dr. Rusk.  Dr. Rusk told us to expect to be there 24-48 more hours.

The rest of the morning was spent  watching TV and cuddling.  Surprisingly, Oliver didnt really nap that much until later in the day, but he was so tired that he just laid on me.  So I was able to doze off and on a few times, which was much needed.

Oliver with his Pooh Bear and his new "dino" (really, an lizard) that he woke up to. :)

still so sleepy

We were very blessed to have a friend from church, Chris Walker, come and visit. She adores Oliver and is a dear friend of mine.  She brought a bag of snacks for us (yay!) and two little stuffed puppies for Oliver.  He adored them, and has slept with them every night since we came home.  She prayed over Oliver before she left, which meant so very much to me.

Oliver talking to his new puppy.

We also had my friend Ashley Roeben come and visit us.  She works at the hospital and came up to see us after her shift.  She stayed for awhile and we got to catch up and chat.  Oliver got to eat a popsicle while she was there and he told her all about the da da doo.  It was too cute. :)  She also stayed with us while they drew his blood again, and I was thankful to have someone there with me while they did that. 

Jay checked in with us several times during the day to see how Oliver was doing.  I knew it was killing him to not be able to be there with us.  As soon as he got home, he packed up some stuff for me (since we still didnt know how much longer we would be there) and headed up to the hospital.  It had snowed a lot the night before, so it took longer than normal.  I couldn't wait for him to get there.

Finally, the doctor came back in and said his levels were back up to 18, and we could go home! By that time, Oliver had finally fallen asleep.  She said we could stay if we wanted, but there really wasnt a need since he had been on the IV the entire day and was "tanked up" on fluids.  She said if he went home and had a bad night, he would still be ok because of all the extra fluids and we could call the office the next day.  She didnt have to tell me twice- we were going home!!!!

So as soon as Jay got to the hospital (not much after that), we got things around to leave.  Oliver *hated* having the IV taken out.  We got ready to go and the nurse escorted us downstairs.  It was about 5:00 when we left, and it was still light outside and the roads weren't too bad. 

Oliver did well that night, and because of the weather, Jay didnt have to work the next day. (Wednesday)  The day was spent being very lazy and hanging out relaxing.  Oliver seemed to perk up as the day went on.  By Thursday morning, Jay was back to work, Oliver was asking to eat breakfast and playing again.  A nurse from Lutheran called us that afternoon to see how Oliver was doing, which I found to be very thoughtful.

What an experience!! One I hope we never have to repeat, but I am so thankful for the wonderful nurses and great experience we had considering the circumstances.

Jay and I want to thank everyone who called, text, left us facebook messages, visited, and lifted us up in prayer.  God truly healed Oliver as we expected to be there at least another night.  We are so thankful for each and every one of you.  <3

Oh, and one more thing.  We had so many nurses and staff members comment on what a polite, sweet boy Oliver was.  He kept thanking the nurses after they would work on him!! He would be crying as they drew blood, but when they were done, he would say the sweetest "thank you".  Oh, how I adore that sweet boy!!!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Oliver's Sleep Journal: Night #1 Wednesday, January 5th

So after many, many nights of restless sleep, we have decided to have Oliver start sleeping in his own bed, in his own room.

Sigh. My little boy has to grow up. This is hard on so many levels. For one thing, its obviously hard that he is growing up, not so much my little baby anymore. Its hard that he wont be there for me to snuggle all the time with anymore. And its also hard because I originally had no intention of getting him to sleep in his own room until we were at least expecting another baby. So this is emotional on so many levels.

Oliver has slept with us since he was 8 days old. We have experienced a lot of criticism for this, everything from "I wish you would get him out of your room" to "This is the worst thing you can do to your child." First, I have to say that I never understood why other people cared if he was in our room. They werent the ones in there. And I can absolutely say it is NOT the worst thing you can do to your child. Mothers and children have slept together since the beginning of time, and in many cultures still do. Its in our selfish American culture that is independence-driven that people think babies "must" sleep by themselves all the time. No, thank you. (Oh, and during that first week of Oliver's life when he didn't actually sleep in bed with us, we spent the nights in a recliner holding him. He spent maybe one night in his bassinet and half of a night in a crib, both times with us sleeping beside the bassinet or crib. It never felt right to us to have him far away.) Once he had his casts on I positively did not want him waking up in pain by himself. Watch your 8 day old baby have his legs painfully twisted and then cast, all the while tugging at you and screaming in pain and then tell me where my baby should sleep. He was right where he needed to be- beside mama. There is plenty of research to support co-sleeping, and I truly believe babies should not sleep by themselves. I know it is not for every family, but I think it is something every family should at least consider.  [I should also add that "co-sleeping" does not have to mean "bed-sharing".  For us, it did.  Oliver slept in our bed.  But co-sleeping simply means sleeping in the same room as the parents (particularly, the mother). ]

At various stages during the past 2.5 years we have talked about when he would move to his own bed. I never stressed about it as I figured we would know when it was the right time. We loved having our little man right there with us. I would kind of get a kick out of seeing other people's reactions when I said he was... still in our room. *gasp!*

Last summer we bought him a little toddler bed and had it in our room. He began sleeping there about half of the night, and when he would wake up he would crawl into bed with us. That was working well for awhile, because we were still getting some better sleep than we were before.

When we moved at the end of the summer, it took some adjusting, but he still slept most nights in his bed. However, my sleep started to be extremely affected. I would go to bed and just lay there, waiting for my 1 a.m. alarm clock (aka Oliver). If only he would wake up and just crawl int our bed, that would be fine. But at this point, he would wake up, disoriented, and cry. I would get up, go over to him and pick him up, and bring him into bed with us. Sometimes he would go back to sleep easily, other times not at all.

I dont remember at what point, but he eventually just started sleeping all night with us again. It was more out of desperation at that point because none of us were sleeping well, but we didnt mind it at the same time.

However, things have been rough lately. Oliver was still waking up around 1 a.m. and taking awhile to get back to sleep. He always would ask for a drink,so we would get him one, and he would often lay there, kick around, pull my hair, etc. In his sleep, he would also play with my hair, and as much as I wanted to love it and find it cute, it drove me nuts. I cant sleep when a 2 year old is pulling my hair out of my ponytail. Sorry.

I was getting totally desperate. He was starting to wake up 1, 2, sometimes 3 or 4 times a night. I was barely sleeping and beyond tired. Something had to change.

We made an appt with his pediatrician to make sure there was nothing physically wrong that would cause his night wakings. There wasn't. The doctor started in on this "tough love" approach...PUH-LEASE.

Let me just say that I have an issue with pediatricians giving parenting advice. WHERE A CHILD SLEEPS IS A PARENTING CHOIE--NOT A MEDICAL ISSUE. Pediatricians are not trained in parenting styles, or decisions. Unless they make this their own agenda, and research, such as Dr. Sears, they do not learn these things in medical school. Yet parents go to them to ask questions such as "how long should I let my baby cry?" and "where should my baby sleep?" when these individuals in fact have no training. Their answers are strictly opinions, but until parents realize that, these opinions are treated like gold. This bothers me to no end. Mothers- we have a God-given gift of intuition. USE IT! If something feels wrong, it probably is!! Think for yourselves!!!

So Oliver's doctor, whom I do like-really, I do!- said, "So he wakes up and you go in his this right?" and I said, "Well, he has his room and then he has a bed in our room." (I knew that was going to get a negative reaction, I didnt want to hear what he would say about him sleeping in our bed. I wasnt there to listen to that lecture.) The doctor repeated what I said and then stated, "Well, I've never heard THAT one before."

Really? You've never heard of a child having a bed in their parents room? Huh. I literally wanted to laugh out loud at that one. I said I didnt care where he slept, I just wanted him to sleep. He said that although there are other cultures and families where everyone sleeps together, unless we wanted that to continue for the next 5 years, we should stop sooner rather than later. Yeah, whatever.

He gave us some situations about how to put him to bed and sit there, and then slowly over the course of a few days/weeks move further from the bed until we are out of the room. He said that once we are out of the room, we're out, and if Oliver tries to get out of his room then we should barricade him in. Ha! Yeah, I dont think so. Maybe we'll put a gate up, but I doubt it. When the doctor said that some parents literally close the door and essentially lock their kids in their room, I said "Absolutely not. I do NOT feel comfortable with that, EVER." I said that we have spent almost 2.5 years building a secure attachment to him, parenting him during the night (whoever decided that parenting stops at a certain time on a clock shouldnt have children), and I wasnt going to turn that off now. The doctor said he wanted us to respond to Oliver's needs and have a secure attachment, but that Oliver needed to realize who was in charge.

Oh, DO NOT get me started on that. I firmly believe this is not a discipline issue. I cant stand when people have the "I'll show them whose boss" attitude toward their YOUNG children. I'm not talking school age kids- I'm talking toddlers and infants. These young children do not manipulate and defy their parents nearly as often as some parents believe. I told the doctor that of course I did not want Oliver to be "in charge" and that he wasn't and he knew that. But responding to his needs was in no way letting him manipulate me.

It saddens me when parents think they have to put young children in their place, as if being the boss makes them feel better about themselves. These poor children just need their parents love and affection and instead are left alone to cry and learn how to comfort themselves at much too young of an age. This breaks my heart.

So last night was night #1 of Oliver in his own bed in his own room. We got him to lay down at 9:43, it was a late night because we were at church for Wednesday night service. At first he kept getting up and wanting to sit on my lap. We read one story, and then I put him back in his bed. We did this about 5 or 6 times, and eventually as soon as he would start to get out of bed I would just put him back and say "night night Oliver." For awhile he kicked and screamed and really carried on. My heart broke, and yet I felt a calm about it all. I continued to pray, "God, give me strength and patience, and give Oliver comfort." I repeated this over and over again. And I felt a peace about the situation that could have only come from God. I rarely feel that sort of patience and peace when I am so tired. But I felt totally ok with it last night.

Jay had offered to be there to help, but I wanted to have as little distraction for Oliver as possible and felt like I needed to do this myself. As a mom, I needed to do this.

What was so hard for me was knowing that all I would have to do is take him in my arms and he would have fallen right asleep. But I knew this is what we all needed. I really didnt think I would have come to this point so soon- if we had all been able to sleep well I wouldnt have cared how long Oliver slept with us.

It got to the point where he just laid there, and would randomly start to kick and yell. I checked the time on my phone at some point, and I noticed when I looked away from him that he started to kind of zone I just sat there looking down at the ground for awhile and that was when he really settled down. He knew I was there, but I was boring, lol. He finally fell asleep. He was holding his cup of milk at that point, and started to drop the milk which startled him. He woke up enough to grab his cup and the fell right back to sleep. I was able to get the cup from him a few minutes later and he stayed asleep.

Yay! I was thrilled! Bedtime Night #1 was done!

I went to bed shortly after because I knew I'd be up at some point during the night. I was so worried that he would wake up by himself and cry. Just the thought of it broke my heart. But at 3:56 a.m. I woke up to see my little guy standing in our doorway. He had woken up and just walked down the hall to our room :) He came in and started to get in our bed as I got up and got my robe on. Pulling him off of our bed was rough, and he was very unhappy.

It took 2 hours to get him to sleep that time. He was just so mad, and tired. but I knew he would wear himself out, so I just sat by his bed and waited. I eventually laid down and put my hand on the edge of his bed, and he held my hand and went to sleep. Again he fell asleep with his cup in his hand, and the first time I went to go back to bed he woke up when the cup dropped. A few mins later he was able to go back to sleep, so I was thankful for that! At 5:45 a.m. I was finally able to go back to sleep.

I am *so* thankful that we are doing this while Jay is off work for the next week and a half. I so wish we had started it sooner, as in last week, but thats ok. It will be very hard when Jay goes back to work because he has let me sleep in in the morning after being up with Oliver during the night, but hopefully once he goes back to work we will be in a better routine. It will be a week and a half into our new sleep arrangements.

Once Oliver went back to sleep again just before 6 a.m. he slept for about 2.5 hours. Around 8:30 a.m. he showed up at our door again, no crying!, and at that point we let him crawl in bed for a few minutes of snuggle time before getting up. We all enjoyed the snuggles after our first night away from each other.

So that's a recap of night #1 of Oliver in his own room. I cant believe its time for this change in all of our lives. I'm so, so thankful for our time together co-sleeping, and there will be times again when Oliver will be welcomed into our bed. But for now, we will work on getting him to sleep in his room so that we can ALL get some rest :)

View 2011-01-0...jpg in slide show
Oliver asleep for the first night in his bed. This wasn't easy on either of us.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

No September Baby.

enough said. I could go on and on and maybe tomorrow I will, but for now, Im just asking for prayers. This is tough. It wasnt supposed to be this hard.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Its Almost Time!!!

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and officially starts our holiday.

We will wake up tomorrow morning and have our presents from us under the tree for Oliver.  We'll open up gifts from each other, and then get ready for the day.  This year, Oliver is getting a train table, which is from Jays parents, so they are going to come over in the morning and be here when Oliver sees that.  In the early afternoon, we will leave to go to Mom's house.  Next year we will probably stay home for Christmas, so I'm looking forward to one more Christmas at Mom's.  Christmas Eve is also her birthday, so we'll celebrate that as well.  Tomorrow night we will go to my cousin's house and do a Christmas there.  Then go back to Mom's, put Oliver to bed, and get all the presents under the tree from her and my dad as well as all of Oliver's "santa" presents.

And yes, we do Santa.  So many people I know have an issue with it, but I don't.  I want Santa to be from us, and have him open his Santa gifts on Christmas morning wherever he is, but yes, we do Santa.  and I love it :)

Christmas morning my dad will come over to Mom's, and we'll open a few presents and wait for my brother and his family to get there.  In the mid-afternoon we'll leave to go to Jay's parents house, and do Christmas with them.  I know Oliver is going to be spoiled rotten by the time Christmas is over.

I cant wait for Christmas this year! Its so much fun when there are little kids around. 

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I wish...

...I was one of those people who kept up with my blog.  On a regular basis.

I'm just not.  One minute I'll feel in the mood to blog, have all these witty things in my head to say, and then I sit down at my laptop (since my phone doesnt support blogger)...

and nothing. 


Saturday, December 18, 2010

Video Games

Drive me crazy!!!! :-p

I cant write a post hearing this in the background.  So more later....

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


I started writing this post last week but saved it as a draft and just decided to publish it. 

So I havent been posting much on here lately.  There's a reason.

I dont have a lot of followers, and that's ok.  I honestly don't know how many people read my blog, and while I enjoy blogging, I still have a lot of issues with putting my private thoughts out there publicly.

Last May, Jay and I started talking about wanting another baby.  He was actually the first one to mention it- although its something we frequently talked about.  At the time I didnt think I was quite ready - if we had gotten pregnant that next cycle we would've had a baby sometime in February/March.  I wanted to wait until summer was over, or close to it, to start trying.  That would have meant our baby would've been due in May, and I had always wanted a May or June baby.

So in August we stopped preventing, and after my cycle that month I started keeping track of the days of my cycle more closely.  I was so sure that we would get pregnant easily.  After all, I was still taking birth control (admittedly, not well) when we conceived Oliver.  It was so, so easy.

I didnt really want a lot of people knowing this was our plan.  Not even family.  For one thing, I wanted to surprise people.  We got to surprise people when we announced our pregnancy with Oliver and it was so fun.  I also didn't want people asking me every month "are you pregnant yet?"  Hello, we told people right away with Oliver.  If I was pregnant, you would know.  Although we didnt try to hide it, we didnt go around talking about the fact that we were TTC.

In September I started taking early pregnancy tests as soon as I could.  They were negative, but I just thought it was too early.  I was honestly shocked when my period started that month and we hadnt conceived.  I just thought it was going to be that easy.  Looking back, it seems silly.

I thought we had so much control over it.  We had tried so hard before that to prevent it that I thought surely once we actually tried to have a baby, it would happen.  Surely.

God had other plans.

So our May baby wasn't going to happen.  I was sad, but tried not to get discouraged.  A June baby would be great too, after all.  I'd still have all summer with a newborn.

So October came.  And again, it didnt happen.  I was so sad, again.  My mom said we were probably destined to have all August babies.  I had to laugh at that because I really didnt want that.  Mainly because I wanted to get pregnant the next cycle, which would've meant a July baby, most likely.  I was so ready to be pregnant that I didnt want to wait another month!

By this point, a few more people knew we were TTC because I had started to ask for prayer.  It was humbling, I really didnt want to tell people, but I know God hears prayers. 

November came, and even though I had tried not to get my hopes up, I was very upset when an early test came back negative.  It was a Sunday morning, and at church that morning I could barely worship.  Every time I tried to sing I teared up, and I really didnt want to cry.  I knew if I started I would cry a lot, and I hate doing that.  I didnt want the attention.

November was a hard month.  I tested during the week that Jay was off work, and I thought how fun it would be to get a postive test when he was at home (and not work) and be able to celebrate during his time off. 

I was expecting my period to come on Wednesday.  It didnt, but the early tests were still showing negative.

Thursday.  At first nothing.  Hmmm...and then it started.  UGH!!  I was so frustrated and upset.  Maybe Mom was right - we were going to have an August baby.  40 weeks from the start of my last period would've been August 18 - my birthday.  As much as I hadnt wanted an August baby at first, throughout the month the idea really grew on me.  How fun it would be to expect a baby on my birthday!

This past week I prayed so hard for a baby, harder than I ever have before.  As much as I try not to, I kept analyzing how I was feeling.  I told myself not to do it, but I had many of the early signs - breast tenderness, nausea, and especially on Friday - decreased appetite.  Yuck.  But like I told Jay, if I was pregnant, I would welcome all the sickness that comes with it.

I tested on Saturday because my parents were coming to visit that day.  I wanted to be able to tell them in person if I was expecting.

The test was negative.  I tried not to be upset because I wasnt expecting my period until Wednesday, so it was still early.

Sunday was another negative test.  I decided I wouldnt test again until I had missed my period because the disappointment is too great.

Monday night, and I'm getting ready to go to sleep.  I go to the bathroom once more, and there it is.  My period.  2 days early.  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  all the nausea, fatigue, all that crap.  For nothing.

Today has been hard.  I'm crushed.  I want this baby so badly.  My heart aches.

40 weeks from now is September 13.  My due date with Oliver was the 14th.  I pray that if it happens this cycle, I will go closer to my EDD and not be in the hospital over Oliver's 3rd birthday.  To go any earlier and be home with a baby for Oliver's 3rd birthday would mean a very early baby.  I'd rather go later.

God is teaching me patience.  He's showing me how little control I have over things.

So there it is.  This is why I havent posted a lot.  But please, please pray for us that we conceive soon and are blessed with another baby.  My heart aches for one.