Its Almost Time!!!

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and officially starts our holiday.

We will wake up tomorrow morning and have our presents from us under the tree for Oliver.  We'll open up gifts from each other, and then get ready for the day.  This year, Oliver is getting a train table, which is from Jays parents, so they are going to come over in the morning and be here when Oliver sees that.  In the early afternoon, we will leave to go to Mom's house.  Next year we will probably stay home for Christmas, so I'm looking forward to one more Christmas at Mom's.  Christmas Eve is also her birthday, so we'll celebrate that as well.  Tomorrow night we will go to my cousin's house and do a Christmas there.  Then go back to Mom's, put Oliver to bed, and get all the presents under the tree from her and my dad as well as all of Oliver's "santa" presents.

And yes, we do Santa.  So many people I know have an issue with it, but I don't.  I want Santa to be from us, and have him open his Santa gifts on Christmas morning wherever he is, but yes, we do Santa.  and I love it :)

Christmas morning my dad will come over to Mom's, and we'll open a few presents and wait for my brother and his family to get there.  In the mid-afternoon we'll leave to go to Jay's parents house, and do Christmas with them.  I know Oliver is going to be spoiled rotten by the time Christmas is over.

I cant wait for Christmas this year! Its so much fun when there are little kids around. 

Merry Christmas everyone!!

I wish...

...I was one of those people who kept up with my blog.  On a regular basis.

I'm just not.  One minute I'll feel in the mood to blog, have all these witty things in my head to say, and then I sit down at my laptop (since my phone doesnt support blogger)...

and nothing. 

Blah.

Video Games

Drive me crazy!!!! :-p

I cant write a post hearing this in the background.  So more later....

Postings

I started writing this post last week but saved it as a draft and just decided to publish it. 

So I havent been posting much on here lately.  There's a reason.

I dont have a lot of followers, and that's ok.  I honestly don't know how many people read my blog, and while I enjoy blogging, I still have a lot of issues with putting my private thoughts out there publicly.

Last May, Jay and I started talking about wanting another baby.  He was actually the first one to mention it- although its something we frequently talked about.  At the time I didnt think I was quite ready - if we had gotten pregnant that next cycle we would've had a baby sometime in February/March.  I wanted to wait until summer was over, or close to it, to start trying.  That would have meant our baby would've been due in May, and I had always wanted a May or June baby.

So in August we stopped preventing, and after my cycle that month I started keeping track of the days of my cycle more closely.  I was so sure that we would get pregnant easily.  After all, I was still taking birth control (admittedly, not well) when we conceived Oliver.  It was so, so easy.

I didnt really want a lot of people knowing this was our plan.  Not even family.  For one thing, I wanted to surprise people.  We got to surprise people when we announced our pregnancy with Oliver and it was so fun.  I also didn't want people asking me every month "are you pregnant yet?"  Hello, we told people right away with Oliver.  If I was pregnant, you would know.  Although we didnt try to hide it, we didnt go around talking about the fact that we were TTC.

In September I started taking early pregnancy tests as soon as I could.  They were negative, but I just thought it was too early.  I was honestly shocked when my period started that month and we hadnt conceived.  I just thought it was going to be that easy.  Looking back, it seems silly.

I thought we had so much control over it.  We had tried so hard before that to prevent it that I thought surely once we actually tried to have a baby, it would happen.  Surely.

God had other plans.

So our May baby wasn't going to happen.  I was sad, but tried not to get discouraged.  A June baby would be great too, after all.  I'd still have all summer with a newborn.

So October came.  And again, it didnt happen.  I was so sad, again.  My mom said we were probably destined to have all August babies.  I had to laugh at that because I really didnt want that.  Mainly because I wanted to get pregnant the next cycle, which would've meant a July baby, most likely.  I was so ready to be pregnant that I didnt want to wait another month!

By this point, a few more people knew we were TTC because I had started to ask for prayer.  It was humbling, I really didnt want to tell people, but I know God hears prayers. 

November came, and even though I had tried not to get my hopes up, I was very upset when an early test came back negative.  It was a Sunday morning, and at church that morning I could barely worship.  Every time I tried to sing I teared up, and I really didnt want to cry.  I knew if I started I would cry a lot, and I hate doing that.  I didnt want the attention.

November was a hard month.  I tested during the week that Jay was off work, and I thought how fun it would be to get a postive test when he was at home (and not work) and be able to celebrate during his time off. 

I was expecting my period to come on Wednesday.  It didnt, but the early tests were still showing negative.

Thursday.  At first nothing.  Hmmm...and then it started.  UGH!!  I was so frustrated and upset.  Maybe Mom was right - we were going to have an August baby.  40 weeks from the start of my last period would've been August 18 - my birthday.  As much as I hadnt wanted an August baby at first, throughout the month the idea really grew on me.  How fun it would be to expect a baby on my birthday!

This past week I prayed so hard for a baby, harder than I ever have before.  As much as I try not to, I kept analyzing how I was feeling.  I told myself not to do it, but I had many of the early signs - breast tenderness, nausea, and especially on Friday - decreased appetite.  Yuck.  But like I told Jay, if I was pregnant, I would welcome all the sickness that comes with it.

I tested on Saturday because my parents were coming to visit that day.  I wanted to be able to tell them in person if I was expecting.

The test was negative.  I tried not to be upset because I wasnt expecting my period until Wednesday, so it was still early.

Sunday was another negative test.  I decided I wouldnt test again until I had missed my period because the disappointment is too great.

Monday night, and I'm getting ready to go to sleep.  I go to the bathroom once more, and there it is.  My period.  2 days early.  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  all the nausea, fatigue, all that crap.  For nothing.

Today has been hard.  I'm crushed.  I want this baby so badly.  My heart aches.

40 weeks from now is September 13.  My due date with Oliver was the 14th.  I pray that if it happens this cycle, I will go closer to my EDD and not be in the hospital over Oliver's 3rd birthday.  To go any earlier and be home with a baby for Oliver's 3rd birthday would mean a very early baby.  I'd rather go later.

God is teaching me patience.  He's showing me how little control I have over things.

So there it is.  This is why I havent posted a lot.  But please, please pray for us that we conceive soon and are blessed with another baby.  My heart aches for one.

Its December!

wow, where has the time gone? its hard to believe that christmas isnt far away at all. we finished decorating our tree today and oliver loves it. its so cute  :)  we have pretty much all of our christmas shopping done, and boy is oliver going to be spoiled. it is so fun buying for him.
ill update more later...right now im on my phone which isnt working too well.