Tuesday, December 14, 2010


I started writing this post last week but saved it as a draft and just decided to publish it. 

So I havent been posting much on here lately.  There's a reason.

I dont have a lot of followers, and that's ok.  I honestly don't know how many people read my blog, and while I enjoy blogging, I still have a lot of issues with putting my private thoughts out there publicly.

Last May, Jay and I started talking about wanting another baby.  He was actually the first one to mention it- although its something we frequently talked about.  At the time I didnt think I was quite ready - if we had gotten pregnant that next cycle we would've had a baby sometime in February/March.  I wanted to wait until summer was over, or close to it, to start trying.  That would have meant our baby would've been due in May, and I had always wanted a May or June baby.

So in August we stopped preventing, and after my cycle that month I started keeping track of the days of my cycle more closely.  I was so sure that we would get pregnant easily.  After all, I was still taking birth control (admittedly, not well) when we conceived Oliver.  It was so, so easy.

I didnt really want a lot of people knowing this was our plan.  Not even family.  For one thing, I wanted to surprise people.  We got to surprise people when we announced our pregnancy with Oliver and it was so fun.  I also didn't want people asking me every month "are you pregnant yet?"  Hello, we told people right away with Oliver.  If I was pregnant, you would know.  Although we didnt try to hide it, we didnt go around talking about the fact that we were TTC.

In September I started taking early pregnancy tests as soon as I could.  They were negative, but I just thought it was too early.  I was honestly shocked when my period started that month and we hadnt conceived.  I just thought it was going to be that easy.  Looking back, it seems silly.

I thought we had so much control over it.  We had tried so hard before that to prevent it that I thought surely once we actually tried to have a baby, it would happen.  Surely.

God had other plans.

So our May baby wasn't going to happen.  I was sad, but tried not to get discouraged.  A June baby would be great too, after all.  I'd still have all summer with a newborn.

So October came.  And again, it didnt happen.  I was so sad, again.  My mom said we were probably destined to have all August babies.  I had to laugh at that because I really didnt want that.  Mainly because I wanted to get pregnant the next cycle, which would've meant a July baby, most likely.  I was so ready to be pregnant that I didnt want to wait another month!

By this point, a few more people knew we were TTC because I had started to ask for prayer.  It was humbling, I really didnt want to tell people, but I know God hears prayers. 

November came, and even though I had tried not to get my hopes up, I was very upset when an early test came back negative.  It was a Sunday morning, and at church that morning I could barely worship.  Every time I tried to sing I teared up, and I really didnt want to cry.  I knew if I started I would cry a lot, and I hate doing that.  I didnt want the attention.

November was a hard month.  I tested during the week that Jay was off work, and I thought how fun it would be to get a postive test when he was at home (and not work) and be able to celebrate during his time off. 

I was expecting my period to come on Wednesday.  It didnt, but the early tests were still showing negative.

Thursday.  At first nothing.  Hmmm...and then it started.  UGH!!  I was so frustrated and upset.  Maybe Mom was right - we were going to have an August baby.  40 weeks from the start of my last period would've been August 18 - my birthday.  As much as I hadnt wanted an August baby at first, throughout the month the idea really grew on me.  How fun it would be to expect a baby on my birthday!

This past week I prayed so hard for a baby, harder than I ever have before.  As much as I try not to, I kept analyzing how I was feeling.  I told myself not to do it, but I had many of the early signs - breast tenderness, nausea, and especially on Friday - decreased appetite.  Yuck.  But like I told Jay, if I was pregnant, I would welcome all the sickness that comes with it.

I tested on Saturday because my parents were coming to visit that day.  I wanted to be able to tell them in person if I was expecting.

The test was negative.  I tried not to be upset because I wasnt expecting my period until Wednesday, so it was still early.

Sunday was another negative test.  I decided I wouldnt test again until I had missed my period because the disappointment is too great.

Monday night, and I'm getting ready to go to sleep.  I go to the bathroom once more, and there it is.  My period.  2 days early.  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!  all the nausea, fatigue, all that crap.  For nothing.

Today has been hard.  I'm crushed.  I want this baby so badly.  My heart aches.

40 weeks from now is September 13.  My due date with Oliver was the 14th.  I pray that if it happens this cycle, I will go closer to my EDD and not be in the hospital over Oliver's 3rd birthday.  To go any earlier and be home with a baby for Oliver's 3rd birthday would mean a very early baby.  I'd rather go later.

God is teaching me patience.  He's showing me how little control I have over things.

So there it is.  This is why I havent posted a lot.  But please, please pray for us that we conceive soon and are blessed with another baby.  My heart aches for one.

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