I started writing this post last week but saved it as a draft and just decided to publish it.
So I havent been posting much on here lately. There's a reason.
I dont have a lot of followers, and that's ok. I honestly don't know how many people read my blog, and while I enjoy blogging, I still have a lot of issues with putting my private thoughts out there publicly.
Last May, Jay and I started talking about wanting another baby. He was actually the first one to mention it- although its something we frequently talked about. At the time I didnt think I was quite ready - if we had gotten pregnant that next cycle we would've had a baby sometime in February/March. I wanted to wait until summer was over, or close to it, to start trying. That would have meant our baby would've been due in May, and I had always wanted a May or June baby.
So in August we stopped preventing, and after my cycle that month I started keeping track of the days of my cycle more closely. I was so sure that we would get pregnant easily. After all, I was still taking birth control (admittedly, not well) when we conceived Oliver. It was so, so easy.
I didnt really want a lot of people knowing this was our plan. Not even family. For one thing, I wanted to surprise people. We got to surprise people when we announced our pregnancy with Oliver and it was so fun. I also didn't want people asking me every month "are you pregnant yet?" Hello, we told people right away with Oliver. If I was pregnant, you would know. Although we didnt try to hide it, we didnt go around talking about the fact that we were TTC.
In September I started taking early pregnancy tests as soon as I could. They were negative, but I just thought it was too early. I was honestly shocked when my period started that month and we hadnt conceived. I just thought it was going to be that easy. Looking back, it seems silly.
I thought we had so much control over it. We had tried so hard before that to prevent it that I thought surely once we actually tried to have a baby, it would happen. Surely.
God had other plans.
So our May baby wasn't going to happen. I was sad, but tried not to get discouraged. A June baby would be great too, after all. I'd still have all summer with a newborn.
So October came. And again, it didnt happen. I was so sad, again. My mom said we were probably destined to have all August babies. I had to laugh at that because I really didnt want that. Mainly because I wanted to get pregnant the next cycle, which would've meant a July baby, most likely. I was so ready to be pregnant that I didnt want to wait another month!
By this point, a few more people knew we were TTC because I had started to ask for prayer. It was humbling, I really didnt want to tell people, but I know God hears prayers.
November came, and even though I had tried not to get my hopes up, I was very upset when an early test came back negative. It was a Sunday morning, and at church that morning I could barely worship. Every time I tried to sing I teared up, and I really didnt want to cry. I knew if I started I would cry a lot, and I hate doing that. I didnt want the attention.
November was a hard month. I tested during the week that Jay was off work, and I thought how fun it would be to get a postive test when he was at home (and not work) and be able to celebrate during his time off.
I was expecting my period to come on Wednesday. It didnt, but the early tests were still showing negative.
Thursday. At first nothing. Hmmm...and then it started. UGH!! I was so frustrated and upset. Maybe Mom was right - we were going to have an August baby. 40 weeks from the start of my last period would've been August 18 - my birthday. As much as I hadnt wanted an August baby at first, throughout the month the idea really grew on me. How fun it would be to expect a baby on my birthday!
This past week I prayed so hard for a baby, harder than I ever have before. As much as I try not to, I kept analyzing how I was feeling. I told myself not to do it, but I had many of the early signs - breast tenderness, nausea, and especially on Friday - decreased appetite. Yuck. But like I told Jay, if I was pregnant, I would welcome all the sickness that comes with it.
I tested on Saturday because my parents were coming to visit that day. I wanted to be able to tell them in person if I was expecting.
The test was negative. I tried not to be upset because I wasnt expecting my period until Wednesday, so it was still early.
Sunday was another negative test. I decided I wouldnt test again until I had missed my period because the disappointment is too great.
Monday night, and I'm getting ready to go to sleep. I go to the bathroom once more, and there it is. My period. 2 days early. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! all the nausea, fatigue, all that crap. For nothing.
Today has been hard. I'm crushed. I want this baby so badly. My heart aches.
40 weeks from now is September 13. My due date with Oliver was the 14th. I pray that if it happens this cycle, I will go closer to my EDD and not be in the hospital over Oliver's 3rd birthday. To go any earlier and be home with a baby for Oliver's 3rd birthday would mean a very early baby. I'd rather go later.
God is teaching me patience. He's showing me how little control I have over things.
So there it is. This is why I havent posted a lot. But please, please pray for us that we conceive soon and are blessed with another baby. My heart aches for one.