Some Days

...I feel like I am losing my mind.

Nap time is usually about 2:00, and there are days when it goes really well, and then there are days like today.  I text Jay around 3:00 and asked him to come up and help me when he got home from work because I could not get Oliver to sleep.  I had tried reading to him.  I'd tried laying down with him.  He had already given me a bloody lip from thrashing around.  He'd had a cup of milk, he wasn't hungry.  He was tired, but not exhausted to where he should've been unmanagable.

When Jay came up I was crying, Oliver was crying, and there have been very few times where I've felt like I've needed a break so badly.  Oliver is impossible to take to a store.  I was able to be in church last night and all the good feelings I had leaving there where gone after a 30 minute trip in Wal-Mart right afterwards.  He doesnt want to sit in the cart; he clings to me and screams and cries the entire time.  I'm the mom who people give pity looks to.  He'll cry so hard he starts dry heaving.  and NOTHING is wrong, he just doesnt want to freaking sit down!  Its ridiculous.  I feel trapped during the day because I cant go anywhere without him having a meltdown.  I dont think people who have a job and get away from their home everyday really understand how this feels.  I know I never had a clue what it was like before I was a stay-at-home-mom.  Not a clue.

We are finally out of the apt (more on that later) and I am so thankful for all the time and effort Jay put into getting the apt packed up and moved.  He was there almost every day and I know how tired he was after work to have to go and do that.  I'm so happy he is home now to help.  There were days I wanted to go and do that instead of stay at home but I havent felt that great and have been very tired.  So he did all that work.  Unfortunately, for all the time he was away, that was more time I felt stuck here at home.  It was a no-win situation. Today was the first day in weeks that I got a break during his naptime which is the worst time of my day EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.  It will totally make or break my day and it usually breaks it.  I havent had a good naptime from him in awhile.  It leaves me exhausted, worn down and feeling like a terrible mother for not beig able to get my child to sleep easily.  Which makes the rest of my day/evening difficult.  I would give anything to have my mother live closer. Just someone that I could take him to and say "HERE! PLEASE TAKE HIM!" and know that she would in a heartbeat, without me feeling guilty. 

Some days are just bad days.  Today was one of them.