Yum!

Oliver's favorite thing lately...

...cereal!

Hmmm?

So today the landlord of the place we are hoping to get (if its God's will) called and checked to make sure we're still interested.  Actually, he called Russ (my FIL) and asked to have Jay call him, but Russ just gave him Jay's number.  Strange, since our number is on the app, but whatever.  Jay said of course we are still interested, and the guy said he would be making a decision either tomorrow or Wednesday.

UGHHHHHHH

I pray that it is God's will for us to have this place.  At first I was totally fine with us not getting it, but its been a week and a half now, and it keeps dragging on.  I have had time to envision us there, and really hope that this is the place God intends for us.  I wish we had just found out quickly either way.  Would God let this thing drag out just to pull it out from under us?  Possibly.  Its been strange, though, that unless something was posted today, absolutely nothing has been posted in the paper for rentals that we are even remotely interested in.  Before, there were always ones that we could at least call about.  Since that Thursday, nothing.  And we had decided that we would keep looking so that if this place wasnt for us we wouldnt have wasted a week or more of our time.  But we havent been able to do that. 

But I will continue to pray for God's will to be done.  I'm not sure that we followed God's will by moving to this apt.  It never felt like home, it was never really what we wanted.  But we felt like we had to.  But for whatever reason, God has placed us here for the past two and a half years.  We've been here for a reason, no matter how much I have hated it.  I just pray that our time is up here...really, really pray hard for that.

So thats that.  Maybe my next post will be saying we're leaving this craphole and have a new home!!!

Why cant I sleep?

Because...

1. My mind will not shut off with all the things I keep thinking I need to do this weekend. (Find the missing diaper cover, wash laundry, clean bathrooms, put away clothes...)

2. I am trying so hard not to worry about where we will end up living.  I'm beyond ready to get out of this apt, and I'm desperately trying not to worry about it, but its hard.  Everytime a worry comes into my mind I try to capture it and give it to God.  He knows exactly where our next home is going to be.  I pray His will is done with this home we are looking at.  I just feel like I cant take living in this craphole another day.

Friday Giveaway at the Cloth Diaper Whisperer

well, here's my weekly blog about the giveaway over at the Cloth Diaper Whisperer.  This week its for 2 GroVia AIO Diapers and some wipes.  I'd love these because we already have a set of GroBaby diapers and while I like them, they seem to run a bit small.  I've seen a comparison video of the way the company changed their name and their diapers from GroBaby to GroVia and i think the new version would work much better.  Plus, I'm ready to use cloth wipes more often.  We still have a TON of disposable wipes, but Im finding them to be a big pain in the butt now that we dont have a diaper to throw them away with! Itd be much easier to have a cloth wipe to just throw in the laundry with the diapers.

So here's hoping I may win this giveaway!  I'm amazed at the number of giveaways within the cloth diaper community.  Surely I have to win something someday! (right?) :)

Still a Chance

So we still hadnt heard anything about the condo/duplex/whatever you wanna call it so Jay called and asked today.  To be honest, I totally expected him to say it had been rented.  However, he said it hasnt been, he is waiting for a couple more apps to come back, so it would be Monday or Tuesday of next week.  The more I think about the place the more I really hope we get it.  Its so frustrating to me that we even have to think like this...I feel like its such a big deal for a rental.  But it is what it is.  Although there is practically no back yard and its a 2 story when we originally wanted 1 story, there are so many other things about it that I really liked.  But whatever God's will is I pray it is done.  I pray that we dont get it if its going to be a lot of hassle.  (Did I mention that our upstairs toilet is not working properly?  yeah.  we have to fill the tank up to get it to flush; it wont fill on its own.  LOVELY.)  I pray that we do get it if its going to be a good move for us, one that gets us through these next few years while we get completely out of debt, save for a down payment, and buy our own home. 

So I really expected this door to shut on us, like everything else has done so far, but it looks like maybe it'll stil happen.  And thats all I can hope for right now.  I really must believe that it'll work out exactly like its meant to.  I must cast all my anxieties upon the Lord, just as he asks us to do. 

Some Fluffy Pictures

Oliver with a "fluffy" (a.k.a. cloth diaper-ed) butt!  Keep in mind, the child rarely stands still, finds trashing our living room to be his main goal in life, and rarely matches in clothes and/or diapers before noon. :-D

With that in mind :)

on the run in a monkey print Serenity baby cover

"Now just wait 1 minute, Mom."

yellow fluff. FuzziBunz OS

More to come!

Another Giveaway!

Ok, its time to blog about another giveaway!

Blogging about the giveaway gives me another entry, so here we go.

The Cloth Diaper Whisperer does a weekly giveaway called "Fluff Friday."  These are great giveaways! This week the giveaway is the Flip diaper syste.  These are hybrid diapers-similar to my GroBaby diapers.  I just convinced one of my best friends to switch to cloth (Yay!) and she uses the Flip diapers.  she loves them! While I enjoy trying a lot of different kinds of diapers, she says she loves the Flip so much she doesnt even want to try other ones. 

So here's hoping maybe I'll win some of these to try!

Another day, another house.

So we went and looked at another place tonight.  This one is in Roanoke, less than 10 minutes from Huntington, and closer to Fort Wayne.  The landlord called it a "condo."  You could call it a duplex.  I almost wish I had taken a picture of it though, because when I think of duplex this isnt what I think of.  Its much nicer.

This looking for a place to live thing is so emotionally draining for me.  I don't remember it ever being like this when I looked for places to live before.  Now, its like as soon as we see a place advertised we try to call, get in to see it and make a decision.  The two times that we have liked a place enough to say so to the landlord (today and about a month ago) its like we are going up against others in a competition.  When we were getting ready to leave we saw a family from our church that was also looking at it.  That was...awkward.  She said something about this place being big for our family.  Its not that big, and we hope to add to our family soon so it definitely wont be too big.  But I know she and her family have also been looking for someplace to live, so if they really like this place too, then I pray God's will be done and if His will is to let them live there, by all means I want them to.

The place had a decent size front yard, but no real backyard.  That was the biggest downside to this place, so if it doesnt work out, I hope to not be too upset.  When you walked in the front door there was a closet and then to your left were two steps, a landing, and then the stairs to go upstairs.  Not too excited about it being 2 story, I always feel like here we're living in half of our home at a time, but other than that, I liked everything else ok.  The living room was a decent size.  It felt much more open than this place does.  The dining room and kitchen were attached and that was a nice size.  There was a lot of cabinet space which was AWESOME.  I really did like the kitchen a lot.  Off of the living room was a half bath/laundry room that was also a great size. I was impressed with that.  It also has a 1 car garage attached with some additional storage space in there as well.  Going upstairs...at the top of the stairs was a full size bath.  Everything in there seemed newer and nice.  There was a little linen cabinet thing outside of the bathroom.  The first door on the right was a bedroom which was a nice size.  Second door on the right was another bedroom which was nice sized. (I just realized I am saying "nice size" a lot.  I dont know how to describe it! I dont have measurements other than the whole place was about 1400 sq ft.  Not that big, but bigger than this place which is under 1000.)  Both rooms had decent closets to them.  At the end of the hallway on the left was the master bedroom which was pretty big.  It had a full size bath attached to it which would be awesome.  I hate having to get up and go out the door to pee during the night.  I know that probably sounds dumb, but its true. It has central air (not common, we are finding out, in this area) and new windows that have the blinds inside them.  Lawn care and snow removal would be their responsibility, not ours.

Overall, it just felt more "homey" than this place, but that doesnt take much!!  I try sooooooooo hard to have the "if it doesnt work out it wasnt God's will" attitude but I struggle with that a lot.  I wish we hadnt looked at the house we did about a month ago that seemed so perfect for us and then we never even got a call back on it.  I compare everything to that place.  It was amazing.  But for whatever reason God didnt want us to have it, and we have to be ok with that.

But I'm struggling tonight.  there just arent many places around here to rent that arent a.) dumps or b.) old and expensive in utilities.  I cant keep count of how many we have driven by after calling and just by looking at them we know we wouldnt want to live there.  We've had so many doors closed on us, and we've closed a couple ourselves because we knew we wouldnt be happy.  For whatever reason, God hasnt opened the door for us yet that we are supposed to go through.  Maybe he will soon.  Maybe He did today, and we'll find out soon.

I cant hold my breath about this, because last time all I literally obsessed over that house and when Jay called to ask if it had been rented, I was crushed when they said yes.  Totally broken.  So we will keep looking every day.  And if its meant to be, we'll take it.  We'd be dumb not to.  If we dont ever hear back, hopefully the place we end up with will have a backyard.

Did you know...?

...that they estimate it takes about 500 years for one disposable diaper to decompose???

I didnt!  That is insane!  Each year approximately 18 billion diapers enter landfills.  Now, I'll admit I'm not a big environmentalist.  Maybe I should be, but overall its just not a big passion of mine.

But that is mind-boggling to me.  What the heck is in those diapers, anyway?  And do I really want whatever chemicals are in them to be next to my baby's skin?

No.

We have about 2 boxes of disposables left, and the frugal person in me cant justify throwing them away.  Plus, we are still building our stash of cloth so I need them.  But I am starting to really hate using them.  My goal is that whenever we have our next baby, he or she will be in cloth from the beginning.  I know newborns go through a ton of diapers and it can be messy, but I just do not want my babies to be in disposables.  Plain and simple.  We don't have others watch Oliver very often, and I'm sure it'll be the same way with future children.  I'll get velcro cloth dipes so other caregivers can do the cloth without having to remember which snap fits.  I used to want to keep a stash of disposables on hand for others to use, but I'm getting over that.  If they can't use a cloth diaper with velcro, and stick the wet/soiled diaper in a wetbag for me to deal with later, I guess they won't be watching our baby!  Does that sound harsh?  I dont think so.  All we're saying is we're using cloth, which until recently (if you look at the big frame of time) was much more common than disposables!  My mom used cloth on me, and boy, have they changed since then!

I'm trying to get pics of Oliver in each of the different kinds of cloth diapers we have.  I'm not having much luck, because he does not stand still for me! lol! 

I wish I knew how to sew.  I'd love to make my own diapers, but really...I dont know about that!

Cloth Diaper Giveaways

One thing I never expected when we started using cloth was the amount of giveaways out there. Its crazy! I haven't won one (yet!) but I keep hoping and praying that maybe someday I will.

So far, we have tried 4 kinds of cloth diapers. The first were Rumparooz (I posted pics of Oliver in his yellow RaR, I think.) one size with snaps. I like those a lot. They are a bit bulky, but they have proven to be good for overnight or for long car trips. We use FuzziBunz, which I also like. we use the one-size with hip snaps.Not as bulky, but they fit him well. They size a little diferently as well-instead of the usual snaps to adjust the rise they have adjustable elastic in legs. I've heard some people have a hard time finding the right fit, but thankfully we found it right away and I like these.
Both the Rumparooz and FuzziBunz are called pocket diapers, and I like those a lot. They are a cover that have inserts that fit in a "pocket" in the back. You take the inserts out when you wash them and it makes drying time pretty quick. Then you stuff them once everything is dry and they are ready to go when its time for diaper change. Super easy! Whoever said cloth diapering was hard?!

We also have some Gro-Baby diapers. (I think they have recently changed their name to GroVia.) Those have "shells" (I call them covers) and then the soaker pads snap inside. When the soaker pad is wet or soiled, you can just change that if the cover isn't also wet or soiled. I've found that these run a bit small, so I don't know that Oliver will be able to wear them that much longer. I think I'd like them a lot better for a smaller baby, because I like them now-they just wont last long for us.
The last kind of diapers we use are prefolds and covers. The covers are *adorable*!!!! My friend Serena makes them over at The Serene Dream Shop. I did the custom fabric send in. Even if her website says sold out, contact her and she will work with you. I bought several types of fabric and sent them to her-Toy Story, two Mickey Mouse, popsicles, and blue and brown stripes. I also got a yellow monkey print cover. Prefolds are the "hardest" way of cloth diapering, which I find funny because its not hard at all! Prefolds are the kind of cloth diaper I first pictured when I thought of them-the kind my mom used to use with pins.  Now, though, with the covers, all you have to do is fold them in thirds and lay them in the cover.  Again, if they are wet/soiled and the cover isnt, just change the prefold and re-use the cover.  Easy peasy!  I have to admit- I did buy the wrong size of prefold so right now when we use them they are VERY bulky, but I hope to be able to buy some of the better fitting prefolds soon.

I have gotten each of my type of diapers from different sources, but by far my favorite retailer is Fluff Envy.  Justine is the owner and is such a sweet and helpful person.  From the beginning she has done anything to help me.  I first contacted her based on a referral from another cd'ing mama friend, and I really had no idea anything about cloth dipes.  Justine asked me information about my needs and preferences for diapers and helped me narrow down my choices.  She gave me honest reviews of diapers she thought I might like.  Since I got my diapers (I ordered my RaR from her) I've asked her even more questions and she always answers right away and never makes me feel like I am bugging her.  Last week one of my best friends ordered her first cloth diapers from Justine, and I was thrilled!  Plus, with her new referral program I earned a credit from the purchase of my friend's diapers! whoot!

I love cloth diapers so much more than I ever thought.  They are easy and FUN, which I never thought I'd say about diapers! Its fun to pick out what color and print Oliver is going to wear next.  Although I will slowly add some to our stash, I have enough to pretty much cloth diaper full-time.  When I first ordered my rumparooz, I was only wanting to cd part-time.  We made it the entire month of July without buying any disposables.  Thats about $50 in savings! yay!

Ok, so back to giveaways. Fluff Envy is doing a giveaway of AppleCheeks diapers on her blog.  She does a giveaway each month, and I didnt win last month.  Thats ok, because I'd *LOVE* to win the applecheeks diaper.  I've heard great things about apple cheeks, but they are a bit more expensive so I haven't had the chance to get any yet.  Blogging about the giveaway gives me another chance to enter, so here we go!

I'll continue to post about cloth diapers, Im sure, as this has become a part of our everyday life.  I have to admit-I'm a cloth diaper addict :)

No Go

Boy, I went back and forth all day on the house that we looked at yesterday.  For a big part of the day I was for it.  But by the end of the day, I wasn't.  Its not that I'm even against it.  But I'm not totally for it either.  I so badly wanted to make it work that I found myself finding reasons why it would work and be ok.  But in the end, I just dont feel great about it.  A few things I really loved about it- especially the yard- but as my mom pointed out "you can't love the yard and dislike the house- you arent living in the backyard!"  True true. The one bathroom and it being downstairs really was a drawback, as was the window AC that we had to supply.  So much I liked, but it just didnt weigh out enough.  So we are back to square 1.  I'm not sure that we ever left it, to be honest.

Oh gosh, I wonder how late Olive will sleep tomorrow.  He has slept late every day this week and hasnt napped 3 of the 4 days so far.  Today he slept til 10:20, didnt nap, went swimming twice, and fell asleep on Daddy's shoulder while he was being carried into the apt.  He must have been super tired because that is not like him at all. He is such a super sweetie.

This morning I got in the shower around 10 and I left our bedrom door open (where he was sleeping) and the bathroom door so that if he woke up he could find me.  Well, I was almost done in the shower and I heard him whimpering.  I peeked around the curtain and he was standing in the doorway, bottom lip stuck out, holding onto the remote control and saying "Pooh?  Pooh?"  he wanted to watch Pooh Bear.  Lately he has wanted to watch that in our room every morning.  Oh my gosh it was soooo cute! I think if I had just turned on Pooh Bear before i got in the shower he would have just laid in there and watched it and not even cared that he woke up with me gone, LOL.  Oh, he is such a sweet baby.  I adore him!! <3

Struggling

...with living in this dang apt.  Is anyone tired of hearing me say this yet? I just cant get over it. I dont know how to be happy living in a place where everything is literally falling apart around us. I hate it.  There's no way to make this place feel like home because there's no room to breathe. I  feel like I'm in such a craphole. 

We went and looked at a house tonight. It was ok-nothing great.  Its hard because we found what seemed to be the perfect house a couple weeks ago but they rented it to someone else.  So everything is being compared to that in my mind.  I did like the backyard of this house a lot better.  Its huge-perfect for Oliver.  Lots of living space-even though its a 2 story.  The upstairs just has 2 bedrooms and closet space.  Cons: 1 bathroom, no dishwasher.  Not a ton of cabinet space in the kitchen, but um hello, have you SEEN my kitchen? I realized the other night that if I really look at my kitchen , I have ZERO counter space to work on stuff.  My kitchen counterspace is overtaken by my microwave, KA mixer, dish drainer, and random utensils.  I can barely set a gallon of milk on the counter without it tipping over.  Everything I do has to be done on my little "microwave" stand that has become my cake/cookie station.  Which is unbelievably small.  I hate it!!!!!! 

(Have I mentioned that?)

Our laptop is home!

Thank goodness.  I have missed it!  It had some sort of virus so it was in the shop for awhile.  Especially with my cakes and cookies blog and facebook page, I check the internet several times a day.
So the house by the university didnt pan out at all.  When we called they said they had already rented it.  Why does that keep happening to us?! I'm beyond ready to get out of this place...have I mentioned that?!
Otherwise things have been going well, I guess.  Nothing exciting which is probably good.  I'll update more later, I really need to clean up our downstairs. Two tornados (Oliver, and my baking) have gone through here over the past day or so!

quick update

Just a quick update to say that we are going to look into another house hopefully tomorrow. We drove by it tonight and it looks nice from the outside, is located by the university (which isnt a bad thing--unlike at ball state! lol), so hopefully we'll hear back from the realtor tomorrow.
Jay had the day off today and we took Oliver to the zoo. then he got to go swimming- twice!- at Jays parents so heres hoping he sleeps great the rest of the night!

Oh, and totally random, but I am *LOVING* the cloth diapers on Oliver. Its so cool to think that we could pretty much be done buying diapers. I'm sure I'll add to our stash a little at a time but I'm getting to the point where I don't even like to use disposables anymore. I was only going to do cloth part time but I'm ready to do it full time. Which means I'll have to add some more so that I have enough to make it in between laundry times, but I really wont need too many more. I'm so glad we made the switch!

Still Living in a "compartment"

So on Tuesday of last week we looked at a rental house and **Loved** it.  It was in the perfect location.  It had a playroom.  Which had one whole wall lined with built in cabinets which would have been perfect for Oliver's toys.  It was 3 bedroom, one of which had built-in bookcases. (And if you know me, you know I own practically a small library. lol)  One and a half baths, and the full bath had two sinks and a huge vanity area.  Nice front porch area and a fenced in back yard.  New central air.  A one-car garage that had enough room also for some storage.

So we go to look at it on Tuesday, and the realtor gets some information from us such as Jay's work history and wages and said he was basically determining if we would be able to afford it.  (Which we could.)  He said there were others who had looked at it that day and the owner wanted to meet with those of us interested and then decide.

I prayed my heart out.  I seriously have never prayed Heaven down like I did last week.

Wednesday passed.  No word.

Thursday passed.  No word.

Friday I couldn't stand it.  Jay called and asked to talk to Jim, the realtor about the house, and the lady who answered the phone said that Jim was out and the house had been rented on Thursday.

I was devastated.  I'll admit it.  Crushed.  Jay made the call at the beginning of our drive down to my mom's and I cried for most of the hour and a half drive down to Indy.

Boy was I struggling.  I know God's timing is perfect, and I even prayed that if it wasn't meant to be that God would keep us out of there.  Which is exactly what he did.  But man I thought for sure it was meant to be. 

Today I'm feeling much better.  If that house wasn't the right one for us, I can't wait to see what is!  God must have something awesome in store for us.  I can't wait to get to it.....

Pray that we get out of this crappy "compartment" soon.  I can barely stand living there.  Going "home" is not relaxing or enjoyable.  We spend as much time away from there as we can.  We are rarely ever home for a night.  I am embarassed to have people come over.  I will go far out of my way to avoid having people come over.  Its not that bad, really, but its cramped and I am just not proud of it, I guess you could say.  I want some place that I have some pride in.  Maybe that's my problem?  Maybe I shouldn't be storing my treasures here on Earth but storing them in Heaven?  But don't you also think God wants us to feel good here, too?

I go round and round with these kind of questions.  "God, please get us into a home soon.  Please."

"But God, its not about the material stuff, really."

Really.

Oliver's new Rumparooz!!!!!

Now tell me that diaper isnt too cute?!?!

Our first attempt didnt go well because I didnt have the insert folded correctly when I put it in.  These have an insert that you can fold specifically to give extra in front for boys. Well, I did that wrong and he wet through while getting ready to fall asleep.  Second attempt tonight was successful.  They are too cute!  I'm already hooked on cloth diapers.  I can't wait until I have a good stock and can give up on using disposables.  I'm sure I'll still have to use them occasionally, but I hate the feel of them after feeling the cloth diapers.  The CD's must feel so much more comfortable on him! I want him to feel that instead of the "plastic"y feel of 'sposies.

I think it might be hard for some guys to understand what I mean by plastic-y feel.  But c'mon ladies, all of us have had to wear a pad at one point or another, so we know how it feels.  Not exactly the most comfortable thing, eh?

Big Boy Haircut

Before... (he didnt want his picture taken)

And after!

(he looks a bit disheveled with the baggy shirt, but doesnt his hair look adorable?!)

Oliver...

...is getting his first hair cut today at 4:45.  Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous about it.  The child does not sit still easily.  at all.  So this is going to be interesting.  Its taken me about two months to work up the nerve to get this done, so its about time to get it over with.  It wont be cut short (probably ever!) because his curls are too adorable.  I did have a nightmare the other night that my grandmother shaved his head!  LOL  But the top is getting so long and scraggly, its not the cute shaggy look anymore.  Especially since he likes to play with his hair and pull at it for comfort, especially when he's in the car or tired.  So it usually ends up looking a bit disheveled.  Hopefully after today it'll look super cute with a new haircut. :)  I'll be sure to post pics later.

Happy Monday, everyone!

Going Cloth!

That's right, people, soon we will be going cloth, a.k.a. using cloth diapers.  So far I've gotten mixed reactions to this, which is what I expected.  I think we'll get a *lot* more once we actually start using them instead of just talking about them.  As is everything with parenting, others seem to think they need to give their opinion on it.  That's ok..I have my opinions too. :)

I find it kind of funny that people actually care so much.  Well, more surprised that the ones who are against it care so much.  Its fun to talk to other cd'ing mamas and see which cd's work best for them, where they like to buy them, etc.  But those who think they are just gross, an unnecessary burden, etc...umm why do they care?  Are they the ones doing our wash? (If they're volunteering for that chore I wont make them do the diapers, promise! haha!)  If not, why do they really care?  Especially those people who do not know what cloth diapers are like today.  They are not like they used to be when I was little or when our parents were babies.  They are sooo much better and different now.  Most of them are as easy as disposables as far as putting them on, and those that aren't as "easy" are still not difficult.  They hold up very, very well and can be used for multiple children.  Many of them have various sizes so that the very same diaper can be used for the same baby as they grow.  Yes, it can be expensive to get started, but once you have your stash, you get to the point where you dont have to buy anymore (although just like baby clothes, even though we have *enough* I still buy cute ones!).  Pretty soon no more diaper costs! How cool is that?!

Gone are the days where you had to use pins and rubber pants to cloth dipe...I've already picked out two Mickey fabrics and a Toy Story fabric for diaper covers. They really are so, so cute.

 *And!* they have great re-sale value, so after we are done, we can sell them and make something back.  All in exchange for some extra laundry and some adjustment as we get used to using them and finding out which ones work best for us.  Hey, we did that (and continue to) with disposables (the adjusting part), so what's the difference?

I'm not a huge environmentalist.  But if you think about how many diapers are thrown away each year and the fact that those diapers are sloooow to decompose...well, I don't really like that thought.  So if I can help out in this small way, sign me up.

Many testify that it can also help with potty training.  Disposables diapers today are so good at whisking away the moisture that babies don't really feel it.  That's not necessarily a bad thing.  But with cloth, the child feels the moisture more, usually doesnt like it, and can tell when they are urinating.  As excited as I am to do the cloth diapers, I'll be super excited when Oliver is out of diapers completely!

And with our future babies, we can start with cloth at the beginning.  :)

We co-sleep. I babywear.  We don't spank.  And now we cloth diaper.  Are we "odd" enough for you yet? :) :) :)

Godly Convictions

Since we started attending non-denominational churches I have heard people talk about Godly convictions.  God putting convictions on their heart.  Etc etc etc.. And I never thought I knew what they were talking about.

Until today.  Today it hit me that being a stay-at-home-mom is my Godly conviction.

This week has been awful.  Oliver is just not himself.  Taking him out of the house is a nightmare.  Yesterday we went to Fort Wayne and we were barely in the cake store when he starts screaming and trying to hit me.  Who is this child?!  The workers at the cake store know us and they were even feeling sorry for me, I could tell.  The beginning of the week was worse; I think he was teething.  I took him to the chiropractor on Tuesday and things eased up a little.  I didn't feel like I need to give him Tylenol to make it through the day now, lol.  Some parts of the day are wonderful and others make me cry.  Literally. 

The toddler bed thing has been...interesting.  Its soooo hard to get Oliver just to lay down and not kick everything. (Including my face.)  But he finally settles down and sleeps about half the night there.  Naptimes are a totally other experience.  I think its bad because he can see everything (unlike at night) so all he wants to do is turn his pillow over and over, play with his blankets and stuffed animals...so every day this week we have started off trying to get him to lay in his bed and then me laying down with him.  I'm just beside myself on how to help him.  I feel like I'm at a roadblock.  When I try to keep him from kicking me and everything else during his naps he just laughs.  I know he obviously isnt laughing *at* me, but its just so frustrating.  I don't know how to reach thru this to him.

Anyway, back to this Godly conviction.  I never understood how moms could go back to work.  well, not so much that.  I never understood how moms could put their children in daycare especially, or at a baby-sitter, unless they were in a situation where they absolutely *had* to work...and I'm not talking about working so they can go on vacations, buy designer purses, etc.  Sometimes it would be nice to interact with adults on a regular basis; to have real conversations; to feel like I was more than an extension of a 22-month-old. 

Needless to say there are times when I don't enjoy being home all day, every day.  Sometimes its hard for me to express how hard my days can be. Like no one gets it.  Like even if someone was in my shoes for a few days, they wouldnt get it because they would know that their time was limited to dealing with the everyday struggles.  My time seems to be never-ending.

But then Oliver gives me a kiss; I watch him as he sleeps...and I know that I am exactly where I need to be.  No matter how many screaming fits I put up with in a day;  no matter how many days I dont shower. 

God has impressed it upon my heart that as a mother, I need to be home with my child.  At times, that makes it hard for me to reach out at all, but then God seems to know that I need help and is able to push me along.  Today Pastor Jeff called me just to see how I was doing.  He told me that I *need* a break and it is not just a luxury.  I told him its hard for me not to get in the mindset that he is my child, my responsibility and no one else's.  He said something I'll never forget.  He said, "No, its all of our responsibility.  When you get to feeling like that, we want to be there to help you. We love you."  He had to be able to tell I was crying after that, but thats ok.  That was a wonderful call to get.

I always wondered, what if God put a calling on my heart that I really didn't want to follow?  That I didn't think was for me?  Would I be able to follow it?  I can now say YES.

I never thought I'd be a stay-at-home-mom.  I was (and still am) proud of my honors degree in history.  I had ever intention to get my PhD and teach college.  Sure, kids would come in the mix somewhere.  A couple kids, probably..definitely no more than 3.  Even when I was pregnant with Oliver, I thought I would be ok going to work after he was a few months old. 

The minute he was placed in my arms after he was born, my entire life changed forever.  I knew I never wanted to leave him.  I had no doubt that I would be a stay-at-home-mom for a long, long time.  And that Oliver would just be the first of many children we would have.

My parents are wonderful.  I appreciate them now more than ever.  But I was not raised in a house where God was part of everyday conversations.  Church was a weekly event, for awhile, but I did not have faith.  I had religion.  I want Oliver to be raised with faith.  And if I'm not home to do that, I don't know that it will be done.  I want to know my children inside and out.  I want to know how they react to situations and teach them that while they will answer to me and their daddy, they will also ultimately answer to the Lord.  I want to build their character and not leave that job up to someone else.

This conviction is so strong that it feels outside of myself.  I don't think it would have been something I would have chosen. (3 years ago I would not have thought this is where my life would be.)  And yet now I wouldn't change a thing.  I rely on God's grace and mercy to get me through the days where I cant see beyond the four walls I'm surrounded by.

So even when I think about how much easier our finances would be with a second income, or I wish that someone else had to deal with the meltdowns instead of me all day every day, I know that I'm not going anywhere. 

Like I said, I'm exactly where I need to be.